I'm Back!!!!! For Anyone Still Out There - An Update

It's been six to eight months since I've posted. Time travels extremely fast when you're busy. Everything has pretty much been the same, except one thing: my current project. I have reached a personal milestone in writing this one. The first draft is almost done and I feel very satisfied. To be able to continue to write under so much pressure is either genius or insane, but it has been my only life raft in this sea of s--t, I'm floating in.

I'll start blogging more now that the stress has lessen and my mind is my own again.

Forgive Me...

...for neglecting the blog. Besides lack of computer and internet access, the only other option (post at work) disappeared. There is only one reason I would stop blogging: the day job. After new management took over, I was informed that my performance wasn't measuring up. At the time, this crushed me. Especially after three and half years of proven success and six months prior receiving another exceptional performance review.

Then the rage followed. Me, my friends and family all raged. My best supporters in anything that I do, know from me telling them all of the extra stuff that I do on a daily basis that is not in my job description. I was more hurt that those who knew this meeting would occur, and knew how much I dedicated myself to this position, didn't warn me in advance.

Then I got productive. Looking for other jobs, while compiling evidence in case I am wrongfully terminated and need to take legal action.

After days of a blind rage, I realized what this really was about. Attacking my performance was complete BS. It's a numbers game. That's all the new people care about. How many people there is. And if the numbers are not what they expected or have dreamed up there should be, then it's my fault. I'm the person to blame. But it's not in my job description to secure numbers.

Now after weeks to calm down enough so the anger is just below the surface, I'm being truly careful to really use the internet at lunch, still looking for another day job where I'll be appreciated, see everyone involved in the situation as backstabbers and opporuntists, and still making a case (if necessary). To say that I work in a hostile environment is putting it lightly (only they don't know it).

What I did learn from this experience is that I'm not intimidated. I know what I've done and what I'll continue to do until I leave. I can't wait for that day, cause that will be the day I'll speak my mind.

With the computer issues at home now resolved, there is only one thing to say: It's good to be back!!!

The Fleeting Milestone High

After receiving another rejection email today, I feel a little down (the milestone high is wearing off). In an insanity filled second I wanted to scream, "What do you want from me?" Needless to say, my frustration grew. It's hard not to be frustrated when you hear (read) that the business is subjective for the umpteenth time. Do you know how I hate that word? How it has become the equivalent of nails-against-the-chalkboard for me. How many times I've seen that word in every type of sentence trying to let me down the easy way after the inital version of I'm not interested. I'm a big girl, I can take the rejection without padding, or the implication that someone else might be interested. I obviously know that, which is why I researched and queried more than one agent.

Rant over. I feel better now.

Small Milestones And Accomplishments

Sometimes it's the little things that make me giddy. A television show that I'm obsessed with, returns to the airwaves. My envisioned dish and/or dessert is executed without too much difficulty. Since I'm too cheap to go to the movies but have nothing but time, the DVD of a movie I've dieing to see has finally been released. I step on the scale and discover that I lost weight. All these instances produce the same glee, but the ones that keep me flying are those that pertain to my writing.

This morning I reached 25k (actually passed that) on my newest WIP (Work In Progress). This small feat means several things to me: 1. I'm committed to finishing this WIP. 2. My projected deadline for the first draft is doable. 3. I'm actually writing, despite bouts of writer's block and being overworked at my day job.

Very little can destroy my natural writer's high. It's a personal accomplishment that no one else will be able to understand or savor the way that I'm doing right at this moment. Even a rejection email for my manuscript wouldn't be able to diminish this.

It Happens For A Reason

If you're a believer that everything happens for a reason, then my recent up rise in rejections (querying, as well as job changing), then the (hopefully) last disappointment will add to the unknown reason. Not to be personal (it's better if I keep something's a mystery), I work in Higher Education (full time and adjuncting). I got an email that my adjunct class was cancelled due to low enrollment. Apparently, seniority doesn't mean anything, otherwise I would've been given the full class.

Hearing my recent plight, everyone is telling me that it happened for a reason. It would be nice to know what that reason was. Sure, I'll be able to focus more on my writing considering I only have my full time day job to drive me crazy, but I had that "break" all Summer and I was looking forward to teaching again. Plus, missing this semester blows my accumulated succession of semesters, making it no longer free to take non-credited courses. Although I didn't partake on them, I just reached such a status last semester ago (ergo, not enough time).

Now feeling really down about this latest debacle (though the anger has helped with my writing), I'm left speculating what "reason" there is for all of this opposition. Here are a few that I came up with:

1. Writing related. I will finish the first draft of my latest project, and receive representation for my previous one. Therefore, my days will be pretty busy juggling the two (i.e. revisions of two different levels).

2. I will prepare this Fall and get an even better adjunct position for the Spring.

3. Since I'm looking for new full time employment (keeping my options open), I receive an offer and begin a new journey at a different college.

4. Nothing happens.

Being a complete skeptic, I vote for option 4, but there is a little glimmer of optimism in me that I'll be surprised and have a mixture of the top three. Who knows, it could happen.

To Be Continued......

Breaking the Wall

Everyone can agree that rejection sucks no matter what it's for. Last week was pretty brutal in terms of rejections (five for queries/ one for a full), and a job "we're going with another applicant" email. It made me a little depressed (for about thirty seconds), then it made me pissed. That anger fueled my creativity, ending the writer's block I couldn't escape for weeks. More sarcasm, less weakling, my words began to flow. This is probably the only time I would be thankful for a tough week, since it brought me to another level. It was the kick in the butt I needed to persevere.

Would it be in bad form to say, thanks?

It's Nothing Personal

If you recall, in "I'm Not a Stalker...Really" I expressed my desire to work with an agent who had an Internet presence in the form of an excellent blog. Well the email that I was waiting for came and it was a rejection (form) letter (email). Ending the possibilities of finding a home for my project and all projects to come. Normally, I'm able to take the blow and move on, but it has become clear, that a rejection over a query is very different than having a manuscript rejected.

In "Mixed Reviews," I ranted how it's mind blowing agents can decide on whether to see your manuscript based on a query (and possibly sample pages). Those rejections I can handle without seeing it as personal (I received five in the past two days and I'm still standing-unfazed). Agents (and gatekeepers) are bombarded with writer hopefuls, praying that someone will find interest with their work. But when a agent finds interest, requests more and than rejects you, how can you not take it personal?

Take this analogy if you will. To me, the query letter is like an annoying door-to-door salesperson ringing (and/or knocking) on your door. A request for a partial/full manuscript is the same as offering that person into your home. Do you know how rare access is? So once you get inside it's up to the salesperson to convince the homeowner to purchase what he/she is selling. In the world of publishing, once a substantial sample of your work is in an agent's hands, it's your writing that will have that impact necessary to obtain representation.

There are many reasons why an agent won't offer representation. Either he/she didn't connect to the material. The writing sucked. The story sucked. Too much to revise. Not easily marketable. Unfortunately, the agent most of the time gives a polite form rejection letter that usually implies that the manuscript wasn't the problem, but the agent's enthusiasm towards it was. It's (again) polite and encouraging, but still gives the author hope that one agent will have that fervor the others lacked. But, if the writing and/or story sucked, an agent's acceptance will never come. For some that might be okay, but for me I would like to know.

If a writer's growth is based on how he/she progresses through revisions and further projects, then it would be helpful to know an agent's honest opinion. Especially, if she/he thought it was worth reading. I'm not asking for line to line analysis, just one's overall perception. It still can be polite, just straight to the point. Why should I waste another agent's time if the manuscript is completely doomed? Besides, I'm still going to possess the same thoughts with a formed rejection then I would without being told the truth.